A dream too far.

I wished for romantic evenings,
holding hands as we walked along.
Candle-lit dinners & whispers of careless moments,
sandy walks, long, uninterrupted.
Of secluded nights, blissful mornings,
Learning to know each other, getting to understand,
appreciate & forgive each other.

And eventually,
a life spent with the one who knew me best,
the one who trusted me, respected me,
treated me as an equal,
listened to me & and let me listen to them.
The one who didn't put me on a pedestal,
or put me down.
But was it a dream too far?

Running...

Running a race,
Running with the tide,
Running out of ideas,
Running out of time,
Running a risk,
Running high.
Running at a loss,
Running a fever,
Running around in circles,
Running behind,
Running up a hill,
Running out of steam,
And I'm Running out of Ideas......

So I travelled on.

Wandering though a barren land,

I came upon an empty place,

a house which had no roof, no door, no windows,

the wind raising leaves rushing around the lace

all tatty suspended from the gaping holes where once

a careful owner had chosen pretty coverings,

to shade the rooms from the heat of the sun.

Moving on along the road,

I saw a river in which the water

had turned a tepid, turgid green,

no longer able to flow gently,

but just slowly sliding 'tween it's banks,

no life containing, nor suitable for drinking by

any creature which valued it's life.

Further on I spied a city,

whose walls were crumbling,

covered in vines where anything was standing,

it's buildings neglected and ignored,

roads cratered, fences fallen,

not a person tending a care.

So I travelled on.

Nothing more than a name.

Alive, yet, life passes me by.

Awake, but feeling like sleep.

Hearing, but sound melts into a pool of randomness, meaning little.

Seeing, colours bleeding, edges blurred.

Feeling, texture all the same, nothing hard or soft, wet or cold, hot or dry.

Human, devoid of emotion however, having lost the ability to love or hate in equal measure.

Sentient, but unthinking, moving moment to moment, responding to the pushing of others.

Eating, tasting nothing, no satisfaction from nourishment.

A life in nothing more than name.........

Pain too great...

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Love is too great a pain to bear,
no longer is it a joy alone,
for once where I felt enthralled,uplifted,
This love now brings tears and sadness,
a trial beyond compare.

Sunlight once filled my heart,
music echo'd through my ears,
my eyes once shone,
now all this has gone,
and empty space pushes us apart.

My arms are wrapped around myself,
holding tightly whilst I cry,
I've given up holding back the tears,
You can't see me,
but I've lost the will to care.

Living on someone else's time...

On someone else's time you always watch the clock,
On someone else's time you can never relax,
On someone else's time they never feel like they are truly yours,
On someone else's time there's no room to do nothing.

In someone else's life you always have to come second,
In someone else's life it's never free of pressure,
In someone else's life you feel like you're intruding,
In someone else's life conversation is hesitant, not easy.

In someone else's space you are always looking behind you,
In someone else's space you can't be yourself,
In someone else's space there's no freedom,
And in someone else's space you leave no trace you were there.

There's something missing.

For a little while now I've been aware,
that a feeling of emptiness has been growing
inside me,
Like there's something missing.

I've used every moment I've had to spare,
to consider this absence,
now I know,
just what it is that's missing.

Whilst one one hand I feel relieved to know,
on the other I wake with fear,
realising just why,
I feel like there's something missing.

Because there's nothing I can do to fill,
the void which has grown,
and I stay living,
with something missing.

Lost cause...

I'm a lost cause,
a hopeless case,
freaked out to boot,
just not in the right head space

Can't tell you why,
as it's far too fraught,
but all the same,
I'm not capable of rational thought.

I feel lost at sea,
my heart & head can't agree,
struggling through a storm,
unreliable, unstable & simply not me.

Living a poor second best,
whilst my inner turmoil grows,
Unable to give to those around me,
Not sure if my fear shows.

Constantly hiding my feelings,
so that I can show face,
being cheerful non-stop,
seemingly full of good grace.

I know I can only stay like this,
for a short time until,
Something or someone,
Makes life feel once more, real.

Until this point I'm trying my best.
And that will have to be good enough.
I'm not going to apologise,
Cos there's nothing more left.

Did you know..

That every time we say goodbye a little piece of me leaves with you,
When I can't hear your voice my heart cries,
If you're not holding me I feel lost,
At those times you are not by my side I lose my way.

I think of you when I wake & when I go to sleep,
I count the minutes till I next see your face,
I hold my breath when the phone rings and I know its you calling,
I find my path when your hand is guiding me.

You are my beacon in the dark,
My map when I'm drifting,
When I have you with me I feel complete,
My Love, You are my life & I thank you.

One way or another

Drift on, life passing by,
making choices, 
your road to determine through thick & thin.
People coming & going,
affecting you, in small ways and big,
for a short time or long,
for one reason or another,
never knowing when you meet which it will be,
till they move on.


Drift on, life passing by,
actions taken, decisions made,
some minor with no consequence beyond that moment,
others momentus, life changing,
affecting not only you,
but all those around you too,
in one way or another,
sometimes not realising it has done so,
until it has happened.


Drift on, life passing by,
words said, conversations finished,
without thought, just rushed, no care,
no stopping to consider that what is said might hurt,
or hinder, 
affecting not only those around you,
but you too,
one way or another.
A word badly spoken, or not even said at all,
is known immediately & forever.

Hole in the middle

There's a hole in the middle,
where my heart should be.
Cos I gave it to someone,
who broke it for me.
And now it's in pieces,
and I can't get it back,
but I'm not sure I'd want it,
cos glue can't hide the cracks.

It's not really their fault,
it's in two parts,
they didn't ask me to love them,
or for me to offer my heart.
But it isn't mine either,
I certainly didn't plan to,
but I can't get away from,
this fact I now rue.

A bitter pill swallowed,
a lesson of life learned,
other peoples warnings seemed hollow,
now, I've got myself burned.
I could not have prevented,
and don't want to erase,
and next time I love someone,
it'll will be in all the same ways.

Loves not for being mean with,
or apportioning out,
you can't spend your life,
holding on to it, that's not what it's about.
Whether returned, or ignored,
love given is never misused,
there's just one thing that's guaranteed,
sometimes, it's miscued.

In my daughters memories.....

One day I hope my daughter remembers,
All the times I picked her up and kissed her better,

How I spent night after night sitting with her

Whilst she was ill,

That it was me she cried out to when she woke

In the night scared or thirsty,

That I gave up meals to make sure she was fed

When we had next to no money,

That my bed became hers too many times to count!

And that I was a very effective hot water bottle as well.

I hope she can think fondly

Of the times we spent sitting,

Cutting & sticking, painting or stringing beads,

Of the times we played “go fish”, or Ispy,

And of course she won,

I’d like to think that one day she’ll have a kind thought

For all the times we sat on a bus and watched the world,

Or when I sat in the hospital waiting for her to come

Around from surgery.

And of course, there's all the children TV she made me watch too!

One day I hope my daughter will forgive me,

For the times I pestered her to have a shower,

Or change her clothes,

Or stop reading in the dark,

Or eat some breakfast,

Or brush her hair....

But most of all,

One day, I hope my daughter will just remember just how much I love her.

Take some time.

A Whisper, a gentle breeze,

Calm, patient, slow and easy.

Time taken, not rushed or passed by,

Scenery watched and appreciated,

Friends and family met & enjoyed,

Things we should be doing,

But rarely do.

Set down those things which fill your head,

With thoughts possessing,

Or overwhelming,

And sit back, relax, and just for once,

Spend some precious moments,

Instead of brief, hectic, hurried

Later, regretted, ones.