Sleep beside her

I heard it again today,
Those words which give it away.

Our bed,
Our sheets,

Such small things,
With immense meaning,
I've seen her things,
I've seen all the signs that,

Despite it all,
That against all common sense,

She still has her place,
And you still fall asleep beside her.

Oh, I know you'll say that,
It's all for show,
That it's just so those looking,
See what they expect to see.

But,

Really?

Wouldn't it be far easier in the long run?
And kinder for all concerned,
If,
We just face the facts that,
And accept the simple truth that,

Despite it all,
And no matter what pain she's caused,

You still lie down,
And fall asleep beside her.

How to be together....

Words of love,
always wholly meant,
gently offered and willingly given.

Hands guiding,
helpful, not demanding,
supportive through-out tribulation.

A shoulder to cry on,
no thoughtless words,
listening only, not making judgements.

Time spent,
doing whatever's needed,
never storing up for future favour.

Honesty in action,
only being true to each other,
whether good news, or bad.

Steps to a good relationship.

Why did you tell me you loved me?

Black White

Black is the absence of colour
White is far too much

Black shows your best side or hides you away
White reveals you at your worst

Dark hides the pain
Light shows the world for what it really is

Dark comforts when hope feels far away
Light feels cold, empty

Warmth helps sooth chilled limbs
Cold makes hands hard to hold

Warmth wraps you up in a blanket of gentleness
Cold pushes you away

Black
White
Dark
Light
Warmth
Cold

Flip sides of the same coin ....

A Bed of Roses

I am lying in a bed of roses,

everywhere I turn are there thorns,
my skin is torn,
my hair is tangled,
and now I dare not move.

Each strand of hair
lies wrapped,
caught,
held fast by prickles,
sharp, painful memories.

My skin, fair, rent, bleeding,
trickles of ruby-red,
like rear drops,
only,
they hurt too. Like memories.

Every piece of clothing,
I've tried to wear,
is torn apart,
exposing,
the weakness of my nakedness.

I'm lying in a bed,
a bed of sharp, sharp rose thorns,
I cannot move,
my hair is tangled,
my skin is pierced
and my clothes are worse than useless.

Someone else's angel.

You’re someone else’s angel,

Someone else’s darling,

You share someone else’s day,

Wake and fall beside them.

You’re someone else’s prince,

Share your dream with another,

Say good bye & hello on your way out the door,

And listen to someone else whilst they sleep.

It’s their clothes you clean and press,

It’s someone else’s food you cook,

Your lists include someone else’s needs,

You share plans and expectations with someone else.

I can’t share your mealtimes,

Or run you a bath,

Cos you’re someone else’s angel,

And I can only look on from afar.

Tears..

I wonder how many different
Tears I can cry.

Once my tears were childlike,
And wiped away by a mother.

Then I cried as I saw my firstborn,
And wiped away her tears too.

Over the years I've had need to shed,
Tears of pain, tears of sadness.

Tears of loss, tears of sorrow,
Tears which fell unprompted.

I'm just not sure how many more
Tears,
I have to cry.

What the wind tells me...

You are the wind….

Ever changing direction,

Sometimes strong,

Sometimes silent,

Lifting me up,

Or pushing against me.

I am a tree…

Apparently standing still,

Sometimes sheltering,
Sometimes needing support,

Moving with the wind,

Sometimes breaking.

Watch my branches wave,

Hear the winds sigh,

See my leaves fall,

Feel the power of the breeze,

I have no choice,

But to do as the wind tells me.

A life...

A life on fire,
burning with passion,
searing, enraging,
engulfing everything.

A life on the edge,
needle-sharp emotions,
razor-like decisions,
about to topple over.

A life sinking fast,
swamped by everything,
washed under,
soaked and rung out.

A life of ice,
cold, bleak, demanding,
exhilarating and nerve -tingling,
but deadly.

Which one is yours?

What place is this?...

What place is this?

A silent echo, the roar of thunder...

The blinding light, a veil of crushing dark...
A history of emptiness,
So full of space.
Did once the sun and moon both rise,
'twere ever so.

Lift up my face,
Sweet odour of roses, jasmine, honeysuckle,
Heavy, towering and sickly,
Press me down, run me over.

A heat at once, intense and searing,
Chilling, burning,
Freezing,
Drying,
Not comfort,
But ultimately suffering.

Noise of wind,
Ever sighing, Forever roaring,
Breath of life soft,
Destruction in its spin,
Both but all at once.

You feel alive but,
Dead,
Feel pain,
Experience no sensations,
Touch life and hold dreams but
Let things slip things though your
Fingers.

What place is this?

The night

I've seen the clouds go rolling,

thought the dark, mid-winter sky,

as I stood still to hear the sounds of night,

not quiet at all, but low & subtle.

The dripping of the captured rain-drops,

falling from the bare tree branches,

as the wind lifts up the sounds of distant traffic,

and people returning from evenings out.

The swish of a cyclist riding home from a late-shift,

furtive animal, almost silent in the inky dark,

I don't feel scared or lost,

Its just peaceful and calm.

The dark isn't a place for playing games,

reading a book, or trying to sew,

but it surely helps hide the tears,

or comfort the soul.

A dream too far.

I wished for romantic evenings,
holding hands as we walked along.
Candle-lit dinners & whispers of careless moments,
sandy walks, long, uninterrupted.
Of secluded nights, blissful mornings,
Learning to know each other, getting to understand,
appreciate & forgive each other.

And eventually,
a life spent with the one who knew me best,
the one who trusted me, respected me,
treated me as an equal,
listened to me & and let me listen to them.
The one who didn't put me on a pedestal,
or put me down.
But was it a dream too far?

Running...

Running a race,
Running with the tide,
Running out of ideas,
Running out of time,
Running a risk,
Running high.
Running at a loss,
Running a fever,
Running around in circles,
Running behind,
Running up a hill,
Running out of steam,
And I'm Running out of Ideas......

So I travelled on.

Wandering though a barren land,

I came upon an empty place,

a house which had no roof, no door, no windows,

the wind raising leaves rushing around the lace

all tatty suspended from the gaping holes where once

a careful owner had chosen pretty coverings,

to shade the rooms from the heat of the sun.

Moving on along the road,

I saw a river in which the water

had turned a tepid, turgid green,

no longer able to flow gently,

but just slowly sliding 'tween it's banks,

no life containing, nor suitable for drinking by

any creature which valued it's life.

Further on I spied a city,

whose walls were crumbling,

covered in vines where anything was standing,

it's buildings neglected and ignored,

roads cratered, fences fallen,

not a person tending a care.

So I travelled on.

Nothing more than a name.

Alive, yet, life passes me by.

Awake, but feeling like sleep.

Hearing, but sound melts into a pool of randomness, meaning little.

Seeing, colours bleeding, edges blurred.

Feeling, texture all the same, nothing hard or soft, wet or cold, hot or dry.

Human, devoid of emotion however, having lost the ability to love or hate in equal measure.

Sentient, but unthinking, moving moment to moment, responding to the pushing of others.

Eating, tasting nothing, no satisfaction from nourishment.

A life in nothing more than name.........

Pain too great...

{EAV_BLOG_VER:9e1a5935c03f7645}
Love is too great a pain to bear,
no longer is it a joy alone,
for once where I felt enthralled,uplifted,
This love now brings tears and sadness,
a trial beyond compare.

Sunlight once filled my heart,
music echo'd through my ears,
my eyes once shone,
now all this has gone,
and empty space pushes us apart.

My arms are wrapped around myself,
holding tightly whilst I cry,
I've given up holding back the tears,
You can't see me,
but I've lost the will to care.

Living on someone else's time...

On someone else's time you always watch the clock,
On someone else's time you can never relax,
On someone else's time they never feel like they are truly yours,
On someone else's time there's no room to do nothing.

In someone else's life you always have to come second,
In someone else's life it's never free of pressure,
In someone else's life you feel like you're intruding,
In someone else's life conversation is hesitant, not easy.

In someone else's space you are always looking behind you,
In someone else's space you can't be yourself,
In someone else's space there's no freedom,
And in someone else's space you leave no trace you were there.

There's something missing.

For a little while now I've been aware,
that a feeling of emptiness has been growing
inside me,
Like there's something missing.

I've used every moment I've had to spare,
to consider this absence,
now I know,
just what it is that's missing.

Whilst one one hand I feel relieved to know,
on the other I wake with fear,
realising just why,
I feel like there's something missing.

Because there's nothing I can do to fill,
the void which has grown,
and I stay living,
with something missing.

Lost cause...

I'm a lost cause,
a hopeless case,
freaked out to boot,
just not in the right head space

Can't tell you why,
as it's far too fraught,
but all the same,
I'm not capable of rational thought.

I feel lost at sea,
my heart & head can't agree,
struggling through a storm,
unreliable, unstable & simply not me.

Living a poor second best,
whilst my inner turmoil grows,
Unable to give to those around me,
Not sure if my fear shows.

Constantly hiding my feelings,
so that I can show face,
being cheerful non-stop,
seemingly full of good grace.

I know I can only stay like this,
for a short time until,
Something or someone,
Makes life feel once more, real.

Until this point I'm trying my best.
And that will have to be good enough.
I'm not going to apologise,
Cos there's nothing more left.

Did you know..

That every time we say goodbye a little piece of me leaves with you,
When I can't hear your voice my heart cries,
If you're not holding me I feel lost,
At those times you are not by my side I lose my way.

I think of you when I wake & when I go to sleep,
I count the minutes till I next see your face,
I hold my breath when the phone rings and I know its you calling,
I find my path when your hand is guiding me.

You are my beacon in the dark,
My map when I'm drifting,
When I have you with me I feel complete,
My Love, You are my life & I thank you.